The Battle of Identity: Three Years Later

It’s quite evident that college life is a lot different from high school life. College students generally live in dorms (unless you’re talking community colleges). High school students still live with their parents. Heck, hierarchy wise, the difference is very much blatant. No matter how blatant it is, however, I feel my “soul” still belongs to high school. I remember senior year (okay, that wasn’t really three years ago) I had written a column about procrastination. I remember senior year was the year I continued to try to find myself, who I truly am. Today, I still struggle to find my identity, though I have made decent progress.

Today, in my English Critical Thinking class, we were discussing a chapter, from our little textbook, called “Knowing Yourself”. In the very beginning of the semester we’d covered a very similar chapter titled “Who Are You?” As a Critical Thinker, I’m aware that everyone in society makes judgmental errors and illogical errors. Heck, it’s a given that nobody’s perfect. Does that mean, though, that we shouldn’t try to avoid making such errors in our daily lives? Of course not. When I had thought my parents thought they were invulnerable to making errors in their decisions, I thought wrong. Every time I didn’t turn in a homework assignment or failed an exam or even made a bad decision while driving, my mom would give it to me. However, she knows she’s had her share of wrongdoings. I just have to let her know when enough is enough and when she’s gone a tad too far.

The thing is… we all want to be better, if not the best. We all want to better ourselves in certain aspects. The perfection artists want to be, well, perfection artists. They strive to be completely flawless. Well, if that’s possible for them, if they feel they have the ability to handle such pressure by all means go for it. Otherwise, you gotta be realistic about your goals and approach.

Every exam I fail, every time I don’t push myself, every thing I procrastinate on, I always think to myself, “Is this the kind of person I want to be growing up? Do I want to be that laid back person who slacks off? Do I really know what’s at stake if I don’t live up to expectations? Am I actually being serious about my future ahead of me? If so, why the hell am I being such a lazy *****?”

Now, everyone procrastinates once in a while right? It’s just a part of human nature. We’re lazy. Thing is… it ain’t the same with me. I’m a slow learner and have been so far throughout my life. I’ve learned that I cannot successfully multitask for everything I do. In general, everyone loves to play, be it actual outside sports or whatever outdoor activity or gaming at home or at an arcade. For me, though, it’s something I gotta control. It’s not the homework assignments that screw me over because I do do my homework and turn it in. It’s the quizzes. It’s the exams that get me all tripped up. Most of all, and this is especially true for programming, it’s the logic. It’s common sense. Sure, after you actually comprehend the logic all it is really is just memorization, but as long as you have trouble with the logic, you’re going to be staring at all that code with a blank face not knowing what the hell’s going on.

As I think about my battles and the word “identity” I think of how my favorite and home ice hockey team, the San Jose Sharks, are trying to battle every game and trying to find their identity again. CSN Color Analyst Drew Remenda always emphasizes on the details of the game, and by details I mean every face off win, every pass, every time the Sharks work the puck along the boards, every play, communication, everything that doesn’t involve giving up possession of the puck. All those details will make “a better hockey player”. Offense wins games, but defense wins championships. In this case that championship is the Stanley Cup. How does that translate in just daily life? Well, the details would be working hard and smart, studying hard, using every reference and utility at your disposal if absolutely necessary, and just showing that you really want to do well and succeed in life.

In the next coming days and months ahead, especially during the time which my mom will be leaving for a trip back to her birth country of China (as that would be my finals week for next semester), I will still continue to battle and struggle through. The question is will my efforts show that of a man determined to compete for success or a man just willing to sit back and watch what could have been a decent paying salary turn into that of a janitor’s?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s